Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
