i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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