i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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