I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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