I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
