And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
