You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?