Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
