Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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