Even the bartender felt bad for me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
