I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
