I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
