first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
