in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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