hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
