Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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