i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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