Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
