A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
