is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
