I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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