I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
