3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
