I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
