and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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