dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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