youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
