god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
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You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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