My friends, they love my intelligence
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
