I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
