just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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