i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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