I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
tell me about the fingering
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