she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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