we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
