Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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