remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
