I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
