her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
