Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.