There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
