i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
