who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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