id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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