I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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