I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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