Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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