You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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