i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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