im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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