the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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