i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
