I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
