i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
