Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
